Denise Rich Lists Epic Fifth Avenue Penthouse

SELLER: Denise Rich
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $65,000,000
SIZE: 12,000 square feet (approx.), 7 bedrooms, 9 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Perhaps emboldened by the recent record breaking (and bone chilling) $88,000,000 sale of Sandy Weill’s Mica Ertugun-decorated penthouse at 15 Central Park West to a twenty-something year old heiress to a Russian fertilizer fortune, or maybe, as stated in the New York Post this morning, with a desire to downsize, songwriter/socialite/philanthropist and big-shit political fundraiser Denise Rich has hoisted her legendary, super-sized Fifth Avenue penthouse on the market with a $65,000,000 asking price.

The price makes it the most expensive co-operative apartment currently on the open market in New York City, edging out the monumentally scaled (if somewhat awkwardly configured) duplex at 740 Park Avenue that Time Warner widow and philanthropist Courtney Sale Ross officially put on the block late last year with a sixty million dollar price tag.

Miz Rich, for those who don’t know, was married for thirty years to disgraced (but still filthy rich) financier Marc Rich who famously fled to Switzerland in the mid-1980s after then U.S. Federal Prosecutor—and eventual mayor of New York and pie-in-the-sky presidential candidate—Rudy Guiliani filed charges against him for tax evasion and illegal oil trading with Iran or some such other nefarious money-minting nonsense. Mister Rich, the more politically conscious children may recall, was very controversially pardoned by Bill Clinton in the dying hours of his presidency in 2001.

Miz Rich remained wedded to Mister Rich until 1996, long after he became a fugitive living a relatively quiet, heavily-secured and extremely deluxe life in some of Switzerland’s swankier locales. Although divorced five years earlier, Miz Rich is rumored to have been an overnight guest at the White House the night before her ex-husband was pardoned in 2001 and she not surprisingly invoked the 5th Amendment when she was later questioned at a congressional hearing convened to determine if her ex-husband’s pardon might have been brought about as a result of her considerable contributions to the Democratic Party in general and the Clinton Library in particular.

Despite her billionaire ex-husband’s vast wealth—and her rumored $1-200,000,000 divorce settlement—Miz Rich earns plenty of her own moolah penning pop songs for radio-friendly stars like Natalie Cole, Celine Dion, Jessica Simpson, Marc Anthony, Patti LaBelle, Chaka Khan, Aretha Franklin and Mary J. Blige. She has thrice been nominated for a Grammy but, sadly for her, always a bridesmaid at the Grammys but never a bride….

Anyhoo, Your Mama isn’t sure exactly when Miz Rich purchased her suburban mcmansion-sized penthouse atop the the all but architecturally featureless post-war Park V building. That’s pronounced in the French, natch, as Park Sahnk. The limestone-based building sits heavy on the corner of Fifth Avenue and East 60th Street across from Central Park and shares a fah-fah-froo-froo block with the much more swellegant, architecturally articulated, uni-towered (and plainly phallic) Sherry Netherland Hotel. The building offers residents white glove services (all the door men, concierges, and etc. a songwriting chatelaine could require) as well as a access to a private garage and an in-building fitness room. Of course, Miz Rich has no need to embarrass herself in front of her neighbors with visible sweat stains since she’s got a small gym of her own located on the lower level of her penthouse with panoramic Central Park and city views, a steam shower, sauna, and bidet-equipped bathroom.

Floor plans included with current listing information (above) show not just one but two elevators open directly into the penthouse. The two entry areas converge in a vast, sky-lit 1,200-plus square foot so-called “grand salon” outfitted with lattice patterned striated marble floors, and over-sized sliding windows that allow access to a narrow wrap-around terrace. We find the plethora of champagne and beige furnishings and dated-looking day-core utterly lackluster (although, we imagine, heinously expensive) but there’s some very serious blue chip artwork hanging on the walls that along with the juicy park and city views sort of makes everything else irrelevant.

The comparatively puny formal dining room seats 22—as per listing information—and opens to a slim planted terrace with head on Central Park views. The main service areas of the penthouse, as expected pushed back behind the dining room, encompass an industrially-minded stainless steel and granite kitchen, separate walk-in pantry, spacious laundry room with two washers and two dryers, and 1 full and 1 half bathroom. Just off the kitchen a tucked away staircase winds down to the penthouse’s lower level staff and service wing that includes an office, second eat-in kitchen and, squirreled away behind the service elevator, a prison cell-sized staff bedroom and compact, windowless bathroom

Back upstairs on the other side of the penthouse, a library lined with lustrous, custom-milled Fiddleback mahogany offers Miz Rich cozier quarters with a wood-burning fireplace, slim private terrace, hooch-hound lovers wet bar, and a slew of built-in shelves villed with dozens of framed photographs.

The colossal master suite consumes the entire southwest end of the gigantic penthouse’s upper floor and includes a living room-sized sitting room, big bedroom with gas fireplace and private terrace, a couple of walk-in closets, a pair of fitted dressing rooms, and two bathrooms, the larger with private cubicle for the terlit and bidey, more counter space than most Manhattan kitchens, and a separate jetted tub and over-sized, double-headed, glass enclosed shower stall.

A 30-foot long media room and adjoining billiards/dining room at the extreme rear of the lower level both have easy access to a small(ish) third kitchen and three family/guest bedroom suites, each with ample closet space, private bathroom and access to a planted terrace, line up along the north side of the apartment. Besides the family quarters and service areas, the lower level of the penthouse also includes the aforementioned park view gym, a room marked “bedroom” on the floor plan but more likely—we imagine—to be used for massages and yoga, and a separate (elevator) entrance that connects to Miz Rich’s own million dollar (and we hope fully sound-proofed) recording studio.

The third level roof terrace measures, by our rudimentary count, nearly 4,000 square feet and is only accessible, apparently, by traipsing through the apartment’s service area and climbing one of the building’s two interior service stairs. While access to the roof terrace lacks a je ne se qua one might logically expect in a $65,000,000 penthouse, it does offers the exact sort of city and park views of which many New York City real estate dreams are made.

Miz Rich is a well-known party thrower, both for fun and to support her various philanthropic involvements. She’s an impressively Rolodexed, globe-trotting gal with her bejeweled finger in lots of social pots who can pull in a lot of high profile power players from the media, entertainment, social and political worlds. It is at one of Miz Rich’s dinner parties where conversation companions might include the likes of Patti Labelle, the Dalai Lama, Donna Karan, Nancy Pelosi and Guy Laliberté.**

**Use yer noggins nuggets, we have no idea if any of those people have ever, actually set a foot in Miz Rich’s penthouse. We’re just illustrating the genre and tenor of the guests one could easily expect to find wolfing down canapé, sucking down white wine and marveling vapidly about the view during one of Miz Rich’s notoriously lavish dinner parties or fundraisers.

So the story goes, one winter Miz Rich hosted a party at her penthouse for which she—no doubt at great expense—transformed her roof terrace into an outdoor ice skating rink. While guests nattered on about the weather and the G8 Summit—or whatever fancy people talk about at winter-time parties held in 12,000 square foot Fifth Avenue penthouses, professional ice skaters dressed in little more than gold body paint swooped and salchowed across the ice. We’re not sure whether to be amused, flabbergasted or depressed by such an (alleged) occurrence.

A 2001 article in Vanity Fair, which succinctly and accurately described Miz Rich’s penthouse as a “mammoth two-story creamy-beige marbled apartment,” revealed the jet setter rolls with small army of staff that at that time included, “six maids, two butlers, a cook, and a secretary, as well as two drivers, two masseuses, a hairdresser, a trainer, a yoga instructor, and a personal photographer on call.” She also, at that time, maintained staffs at her luxury homes in both Southampton (NY) and Aspen (CO). A later report from 2007 in the New York Observer stated Miz Rich “reportedly has a staff of 20 (personal healer and yoga guru included),” that includes “something named a ‘wardrobe calibrator,’” whatever the holy crap that is.

In July 2007 one of Missus Rich’s daughters, stand up comic Daniella and her money manager man-mate Richard Kilstock, dropped $3,900,000 for a lower floor crib with a mirrored entrance hall, formal living and dining rooms, 2 bedrooms, 3.5 marble bathrooms, and a staff room/office with Murphy bed.

The Park V is the same building, New York City real estate watchers will recall, where Los Angeles-based billionaire businessman David Geffen dropped $14,170,000 in early 2010 on a full floor, two unit combination spread he purchased from entertainment industry executive Robert A. Daly and his extraordinarily accomplished Oscar- and Grammy-winning singer/songwriter wife Carole Bayer Sager. Your Mama hears from someone in the position to know that Mister Geffen’s newly remodeled spread—all worked over by Rose Tarlow, we’re told—includes a major park view master bedroom where an entire panel of glass in the bathroom can, at the flip of a switch, go from fully opaque to completely clear so that Mister Geffen (and his shower sharing friends) can have a view of the park through the bedroom windows.

We’re a bit muddled on the exact holdings currently in Miz Rich’s real estate property portfolio. She once owned (and may still own) a ski house in Aspen—but, of course, dahling—and property records show in the late 1990s she paid $3,200,000 for a near 3-acre estate a block from the beach on the expensive shore of Coopers Neck Pond in Southampton (NY) with a 7 bedroom and 9 bathroom main mansion. At some point, we’re not sure exactly when, records show Miz Rich sold her Hamptons house for an undisclosed price to New York City-based investor and property developer Steve Witkoff. We’d be somewhat shocked if Miz Rich doesn’t own another high-maintenance mansion in the Hamptons where she spends but a few summer weekends each year but our not particularly thorough or unscientific crawl through the internets didn’t turn up any direct evidence of such a thing.

Since 2007 Miz Rich has owned a 150-plus foot long yacht she dubbed Lady Joy (above). She says she bought the boat after decades and millions spent on yacht charters with male captains who sometimes balked and/or copped a ‘tude when she—as ought to have been her privilege as the lessee—requested the boat be moved here or there. The four-deck Lady Joy—equipped with an elevator and helmed by a female captain, dontcha know—has a crew of 11, accommodates 12 guests in 6-en suite staterooms, and includes an armada of water toys plus two Vespa scooters for land explorations, Big spenders can, should they be inclined, charter Lady Joy for about a quarter million clams a week, not counting fuel costs or dockage fees.

Miz Rich told the New York Post she planned to downsize into a smaller apartment—one that will no doubt be three or four times the size of the average American home—and split her time between New York City and Europe where her both of her surviving three daughters—and ex-husband—live.

listing photos and floor plans: Corcoran
boat photo: Charter World

N.Y. State of Mind Two: Thierry Mugler

SELLER: Thierry Mugler
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $7,995,000
SIZE: 4,100 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In 2003, amid crushing financial losses and with much boo-hooing by the stiletto-clad fashion elite, gleefully unconventional French couturier Thierry Mugler closed his eponymous label and all but disappeared from the public eye. More accurately, the Clarins company, who owned the brand since 1994, shuttered the operation. Anyhoo, the French phoenix not only emerged four or five years later with a long list of new fashion world ventures but utterly and disarmingly transformed into 240 titanic pounds of pierced, tatted, plastic surgified and muscle bound (senior citizen) beefcake.

Despite the loss of control of his professional baby and his essential evaporation from the dernier cri fashion scene, Paris-based Monsieur Mugler had the inclination and dough-re-mi to acquire and maintain a penthouse pied-a-terre in New York City’s Chelsea neighborhood that property records reveal he bought in July 2004 for $4,500,000. Monsieur Mugler recently if not very quietly listed his luxurious and sparely dressed Big Apple crash pad with an haute asking price of $7,995,000.

An April 2010 article in The Old Grey Lady revealed the vexatiously vainglorious Monsieur Mugler only makes use of the spacious, high maintenance New York City duplex penthouse about two months of the year. That’s a colossally costly two months when one considers whatever mortgage payments Monsieur may (or may not) be responsible for and the $7,555 per month—$90,660 annual—in property taxes and common charges not to mention the must-be-considerable expense of maintaining the fully decked and landscaped roof terrace partially shaded, the children will note, by an impressively mature pine tree.

Listing information shows the duplex penthouse, “perched atop a prime Chelsea prewar building,” was originally designed as two separate (but now fully integrated) apartments that together span around 4,100 square feet with two bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms and open city views to the south and west.

An intimate vestibule—with well-placed if windowless powder pooper—acts as a welcomedbuffer between the front door that opens into the building’s public hall and the lofty apartment’sentrance gallery done up in de rigueur impress-the-guests glam with a gold-leafed ceiling and a couple of rather forbidding sculptures of humpback javelinas, hoofed hyenas or some other phantasmagorical creature Your Mama decidedly does not much fancy coming across in the woozy dark of a boozy late night.

The 500-plus square foot corner living/dining room, minimally done up in grey, black, red and white, has espresso stained hardwood floors underfoot that anchor the ethereal space. Two long walls of over-sized windows do not appear to have any window treatments whatsoever and wide expanses of crisp white walls work well for artwork display and/or movie projection. Vintage red glass decanters and a floating staircase, fashioned Donald Judd-like with a rhythmic (if precarious looking) procession of cantilevered treads, breaks up the otherwise linear room with a few feminine forms and one electrifying diagonal. That’s right, puppies, love it or hate it, we’re talking contemporary architecture that mimics modern art.

The pearwood and limestone galley kitchen isn’t very big by suburban mcmansion standards, but it’s absolutely well equipped with fully integrated Euro-style appliances, is plenty sizable enough to cook a proper meal and un-pack the moo goo gai pan, and bends unapologetically towards the architecturally (melo)dramatic with a soaring ceiling topped by a gigantic shed-roof sky light. The sky light pokes up through the planted roof terrace which may have allowed Monsieur Mugler to peer down from the roof terrace and make sure his willow wisp thin house boy (or whomever) salted his lunchtime greens (or whatever) in just the right manner.

Cozier quarters can be found in the moody and manly mahogany-paneled library with wood-burning fireplace, glass-enclosed display and book shelves, and humongous windows fitted with a intricately geometric grid of black shutters. Mister Mugler—and/or his nice-gay or lady decorator—balanced the electrifying coral red sofa with a pair of earthy milk chocolate leather arm chairs, gleaming waterfall glass coffee tables, and a few cow skins tossed out on the rich wood floors.

Each of the two, 28-foot long master bedrooms has substantial closet space and plenty of room to maneuver. One bedroom offers a custom-fitted dressing room (with window) and a hotel-type bathroom with glass-enclosed, party-sized shower while the other claims an uncomfortably compact crapper, a 17-plus foot long separate office space with three windows on two walls and—conveniently—a separate entrance to the building’s public hall, a set up perfect for secreting late night trysts in and out without having to reveal the true magnitude of the penthouse and, hence, the real depth of one’s bank accounts.

The vulnerable-looking but no doubt powerfully engineered cantilevered stairs, which Your Mama could and would never attempt to negotiate without a nerve pill and at least two good sized gin & tonics, ascends with high impact minimalist style into a glass-roofed and glass-walled green house and adjoining conservatory/sitting room space that spills out through multiple steel-framed glass doors to an 800 square foot fully planted terrace made totally private with high hedges and tall fences.

The bi-level terrace features a trellised dining area, built-in barbecue area and, it may surprise some to learn, a hot tub. A properly private hot tub on the roof in the middle of Manhattan does offer intriguing and lascivious possibilities, to be sure, but what neither the terrace nor the greenhouse/conservatory do have, alas, is a facility. That means Your Mama, Monsieur Mugler and any one else up on the roof with an bulging bladder will have to make a Sophie’s Choice, to navigate the theatrical staircase down to the penthouse’s privately situated powder room off the entry vestibule or to more simply but far less privately scootch behind the pine tree for a quick whiz.

It should surprise no one that Your Mama doesn’t run in the same gym-toned high fashion circles as Monsieur Mugler so we haven’t any idea why he’s opted to sell his Chelsea penthouse aerie. It could be the significant potential profit or maybe he’s just decided it’s much simpler (and so much less headache) to dump the high maintenance penthouse and book himself into a swank suite of rooms at any of the many high-priced boo-teek hotels that have popped up at an alarming rate all over downtown New York in the last 5 or 10 years.

listing photos and floor plan: Sotheby’s International Realty

N.Y. State of Mind One: Naomi Watts and Liev Schriber Buy

BUYER: Naomi Watts and Liev Schrieber
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $3,950,000
SIZE: 4,315 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After several years kicking the real estate tires of a scads of six-and-a-half and fifteen million dollar downtown townhouses, much in demand Oscar-nominated actress Naomi Watts (21 Grams, J. Edgar, King Kong, I ♥ Huckabees) and always working movie actor/Tony Award winning thespian Liev Schreiber (Glengarry Glen Ross) are reported to have finally, at long last settled on a multi-million dollar parking lot-sized loft on a cobble stoned street in the celeb-friendly and trés trendy TriBeCa neighborhood.

The two-unit, semi-combined spread sprawls across an entire, low floor of a relatively unadorned 8-story, solid steel and concrete building put up in the 1920s. The pair of co-operative cribs were last listed at $4,500,000 but online documentation reveals the no-board-approval-necessary units were previously listed in late 2009 and early 2010 at just $4,000,000. The New York-based Hollywood hot shots are said to have paid $3,950,000 for the essentially raw units that together measure 4,315 square feet and feature key-lock elevator access, airy 14 foot ceilings, old school (and down market) painted linoleum tile floors, 13 windows of varying sizes on three walls, and “only 6 structural columns for optimal flexibility.”

The current configuration (as seen on the floor plan included with listing information, above) shows the two units combined include three small but proper bedrooms—one marked as an office, all with windows, and none with built-in closet space, two basic (and/but window-free) bathrooms, and two kitchens tucked deep in to the (possibly darkish) rear of the loft(s). Each of the two units currently have vast, prairie-like living/dining/working spaces and one of them claims limited but protected Hudson River views from the southwestern corner or the building.

From the looks of things, the Watts-Schreibers will need a smart architect and nice-gay or lady decorator to smoothy combine the two adjoining but fully independent condos into one cohesive living space suitable for a high-profile but low key family of four. Or not.

These long time lovers and happily unmarried procreators both come from wildly eccentric and not entirely stable mothers who hauled them around to various hippy-dippy ashrams and cultish compounds so it’s not such a stretch for Your Mama to imagine they might seek a more Old School sort of living situation in a massive downtown loft that retains more than just a whiff of the neighborhood’s roots as a warehouse district where artists and other space seekers leased leviathan lofts for pennies on the dollar because, once upon a time, nobody even vaguely Uptown or Wall Streety wanted to live in TriBeCa. Today, of course, the neighborhood is beyond upscale, known for is well-regarded public school, upscale shopping and dining options, baby buggy choked sidewalks, and spacious “loft” residences affordable, generally speaking, only to financially fortunate folks like Wall Streeters and Uptown types.

So, despite the four million clam cost of their new TriBeCa crib(s), maybe Miz Watts and Mister Schreiber will go boho and simply add a few walls for bedrooms in one of the units and use the other for work and Showbiz things like, say, a state-of-the-art hair and make-up station and a willy nilly mess of rollings racks draped in Thom Browne suits and bedazzled red carpet gowns. Or not.

Anyhoo, we’re not entirely sure where the comely couple and their two kids currently reside in New York City although we used to see them on a regular basis in the Cooper Square area in the East Village. What we do know is the artsy-fartsy and deep-pocketed couple maintain at least two additional residences, one in Los Angeles and the other in the Hamptons.

In October 2010 Miz Watts and Mister Schreiber very briefly listed their house of unwed bliss in the leafy Brentwood area of Los Angeles with an asking price of $5,995,000. The vine-covered house, long owned and sold to Miz Watts in June 2004 by sublime Tinseltown royal Sally Field, was purchased by the British-born actress just after she and now deceased actor Heath Ledger split up and at least a year before she hooked up with her handsome and articulate Baby Daddy.

In September 2007 the couple did what so many wealthy New Yorkers do, they snatched up a swanky house in the Hamptons that’s a five (or so) minute stroll from the beach and and even shorter amble in to miniscule downtown Amagansett (NY). Property records reveal the high-hedged and shingled house, on nearly three-quarters of an acre with a swimming pool and separate guest cottage/pool house, cost the comely couple $4,300,000.

listing photos and floor plan: Corcoran

Jorge Posada Retires and Shakes Up Real Estate Portfolio

SELLER: Jorge Posada
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $11,500,000
SIZE: 5,400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Much to our own chagrin, Your Mama woke up much later than usual this morning, hung over like a wet blanket from all the gin, candy and late night Australian Open watching. When we finally managed to pour ourselves a cup of coffee and check out the incoming emails and news feeds we quickly found all the international property gossips squawking like wild hogs about how lauded and applauded New York Yankee Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez has done sold a New York City condo he snatched up in March (2011) for $5,500,000 then brazenly flipped back on the market a few months later with an audacious but apparently not unrealistic eight million dollar price tag. No word on the agreed upon sale price but it was sufficiently high enough for Mister A-Rod  to “lock in a significant profit” New York City real estate sources “familiar with the sale” told The Wall Street Journal.

Fascinating as Mister A-Rod’s professional accomplishments, eternal parade of usually blond, typically hard-bodied and often high-profile gal pals, and fickle-seeming real estate doings may be, he ain’t the only Yankee with an itch to unload a high-priced and art-filled New York City condo crib. Rather than talk trash about Mister A-Rod’s almost entirely white, Warhol print filled full-floor bachelor pad on the 35 floor of the Rushmore, a towering Upper West Side condo complex that looms over the Westside Highway with sweeping Hudson River views, we’ve opted instead to head over to the Upper East Side where Mister A-Rod’s long-time teammate Jorge Posada and his va-va-voom wife Laura have had their full floor condominium residence listed since early December 2011with a major league asking price of $11,500,000.

It was only yesterday, we learned on the interweb just this afternoon, that Mister Posada officially announced his retirement from professional baseball, a turn of events that may or may not have something to do with him and the missus listing their deluxe and decidedly contemporary Manhattan homestead.

Believe it or not puppies, Your Mama had never even heard of Mister Posada before this morning so we did what we always do when it comes time to discuss a professional athlete: We picked up our bedraggled Princess phone and warily dialed our moody, boozy, sleep deprived and ball-obsessed b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau who when asked what she knew of Mister Posada moaned feverishly with an obvious lust in her loins and described the six-foot-two slugger in her typically lewd manner as a “Hot, uncut Cuban by way of Puerto Rico with big ears!”When we warily queried how she knew such inappropriately personal things, Fiona haughtily replied, “I just know. I can see it in his eyes.” Ugh. Anyoo, Miss Trambeau eventually went on elucidate that during his 17 year career catching and batting for the Yankees Mister Posada was a god damn superstar, a five-time All-Star player who possesses a handful of chunky, diamond-encrusted World Series championship rings.

Property records suggest Mister and Missus Posada purchased and subsequently combined two adjacent mid-floor condo residences in to one mansion-sized sprawler at The Seville, a 31-story, full-service white glove condo tower that lords over a busy but fairly ordinary corner of East 77th Street and 2nd Avenue. The glassy tower offers residents round-the-clock door people, direct access to a private garage, and a state of the art fitness center complete with the requisite body torture devices, an outdoor terrace, swimming pool, spa, and sauna. We’re not entirely sure when they snatched up the first piece of their hoity-toity New York City real estate puzzle but we do find clear evidence Mister and Missus Posada paid $3,600,000—or $3,500,000 depending on where one peeps—for the nearly 2,300 square foot condo next door in August 2007.

Listing information and marketing materials for the Posada’s now- and rather smartly-combined 10-plus room urban oasis show it spans approximately 5,600 square feet of interior space—and 0 square feet of exterior space, offers four highly desirable exposures—those would be north, south, east and west, of course—and is currently configured with 4 bedrooms and 5 full and 2 half bathrooms.

A pre-war sized foyer serves as the gateway to the amply proportioned living and dining rooms hat anchor the outside central corner of the residence. The dining room seats 10 or more at a very glossy wood table and the rather casual “formal” living room, sheathed in a shimmering silver wall covering, has a built in entertainment center along the back wall that contains a giant flat screen tee-vee surrounded by open shelves with various multi-colored objet on display. The cluster of ancient looking statuettes on the side table next to that kooky but comfortable-looking leather Euro-recliner would have to go since we’d probably make a panicked call to the security people and/or wake up our violent tendencied (and occasionally armed) housekeeper Svetlana every time we passed by that room in the hoochy haze of a dark early morning and imagined we saw an intruder out of the corner of our eye.

The apartment makes an unusually long and powerful 80-plus sweep from the dining room in the northwestern corner of the condo clear past the suburbs-scaled kitchen, beyond the breakfast area—used by Mister and Missus Posada as a sitting room—and clear through the home office/den area tucked cozily in to the condo’s sunny southwest corner. Whatever one may think of this apartment and it’s lackluster location too far east to be really posh, that 80-foot long stretch is a rare and jaw-dropping thing to behold in a city where a $4,000-a-month two-bedroom apartment with 900 square feet is considered spacious.

A sybaritic, Poggenpohl kitchen has, as per listing information, a Chevy-sized center work island with long snack counter, miles of teak cabinetry, several over-sized windows with city views, and a boat load of high-grade and high-cost appliances that include twin Sub-Zero fridge-freezers. A service hall with laundry room and two separate powder poopers runs behind the kitchen and connects the front foyer to the service entrance and breakfast room that includes a wet bar (with full-height wine fridge) and opens into a convertible bedroom space used by Mister and Missus Posada as a casual home office/den built out with full wall of custom-designed open and closed shelving perfect for bong stashing and displaying knickknacks, photographs and various other paddy whacks.

Three family/guest bedrooms, each with generous closet space, huge windows and an attached private bathroom, along with a half dozen additional closets make up the eastern flank of the multi-winged apartment and the celebrity-style and clothes horse-accommodating master bedroom stretches back to form the west wing behind the family quarters and encompasses a private entry vestibule with closet and over-sized bedroom with additional closet space plus a built-in entertainment center with wall-mounted flat screen boob-toob. There are custom-fitted his and her dressing rooms—his dark and manly with frost glass fronted wardrobes and hers gleaming white lacquer with a glammy crystal chandelier—as well as his and her bathrooms, hers all in white with decked out hair and make-up center and his outfitted with a steam shower, wall-mounted tee-vee and walls sheathed in over-scaled chocolate brown crocodile that is more likely embossed leather than actual crocodile hide. Either way it’s a hidebound pooper that could easily give an animal activist involuntary and uncontrollable fits of hysteria and peristaltic paroxysms.

With Mister Posada now retired, the Florida-based pair, who have three children, including one who grapples with craniosynotosis, no longer have a professional need to be in New York City for long periods of time. Of course we don’t know a Snookie from a snooker table but we can imagine Mister and Missus Posasda no longer feel the need to pay for and maintain a substantial apartment in the Big Apple that listing information shows carries common charges and taxes that total $10,545 per month. Your Mama’s bejeweled abacus calculates that comes to a pocketbook draining $126,540 per year not counting the costly repairs that always creep up, unnecessary but much desired improvements and, if there is one to maintain, mortgage payments, not to mention the thousands spent each year on tipping the building staff during the holidays.

That may be entirely financially manageable for man like Mister Posada who in his last years as a Yankee earned well upwards of $13,000,000 a year (as well as some wordy jeers from articulate places) but as a retiree whose income will likely drop precipitiously—but no doubt remain substantial compared Average Joe and Middle Class Mindy—the downsizing of his real estate load is a prudent and savvy maneuver.

Like many Yankees, Mister and Missus Posada have long maintained a mansion in Florida, in Tampa where the Yankees do their pre-season spring training. Your Mama and The Dr. Cooter both have been to Flah-rih-duh gajillions of times but have never set a toe in Tampa. In fact the only factoids we know about Tampa is that it embraces the Gulf of Mexico with a giant and busy harbor, that actress Butterfly McQueen was born there, and it has long been the home base of the Home Shopping Network.

Records indicate the couple acquired two acres in the upscale guard-gated enclave that winds through and around the Avila Golf and Country Club in Tampa, FL over the summer of 2001. It’s not clear if Mister and Missus Posada custom-built their huge house in Tampa but the Hillsborough County Tax Man shows the existing residence wasn’t built until 2003.

Mister and Missus Posada put their electronically gated Tampa estate on the market in early 2010 with an asking price of $7,250,000. Listing information we managed to cajole up out of the interweb shows the 2-story mock-Med mansion (shown above) measures 9,788 square feet and includes a total of 6 bedrooms, and 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.

The interior spaces include one of those ubiquitous impress-the-guests type foyers so often found in suburban mcmansions all across America, all the usual high ceiling formal entertaining spaces one expects in a near 10,000 square foot house plus vast informal family quarters that include a “state-of-the-art gourmet kitchen.” The sprawling house also includes, as per listing information, a library, home theater, paneled game room with custom bar and wine cellar, a separate playroom for the kiddies and, natch, a fitness room attached to the expansive master suite.

The estate looks over the golf course—an maniacally manicured vista that does nothing for Your Mama but is quite desirable for many—and include a gated motor court, garage space for five cars, and a resort-style swimming pool and spa complex with deep sunbathing and dining terraces, a lagoon-style pool with shallow shelf entry, a pair of water slides and a Playboy-like grotto with with water fall and secluded spa designed, we imagine, with—ahem—privacy in mind.

The price for Mister and Missus Posada’s Tampa digs eventually plummeted to $5,950,000 and property records show they finally unloaded their white elephant in early November (2011), after more than 600 days on the market, with a drastically lower sale price of $4,500,000.

Long before the Posadas sold their Tampa mansion property records reveal they’d already shelled out $6,250,000 to buy a significantly larger waterfront mansion on a much smaller .51 acre lot almost 300 miles away behind the guarded gates of the Old Cutler Bay community in the Miami bedroom community of Coral Gables. The recently completed mock-Med pile was once listed as high as $10,450,000 and measures, according to information we found on the interweb, more than 13,000 square feet with 8 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms and includes a water side negative edge swimming pool and private 70-foot dock for parking the family watercraft.

exterior photo (New York City): Property Shark
interior listing photos (New York City):  The Modlin Group
listing photos (Tampa): Smith & Associates Real Estate via Trulia and Dream Realty

Jennifer Aniston Buys Big Digs in Bel Air

BUYER: Jennifer Aniston
LOCATION: Los Angeles (Bel Air), CA
PRICE: we hear around $22,000,000
SIZE: 8,500 square feet (approx.), 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It seems sit com queen and rom com royal Jennifer Aniston is moving on up to a twenty-some million dollar mid-century modern in the hoity toity Los Angeles, CA community of Bel Air. Before we address the newest real estate rumors swirling around Miz Aniston’s latest (and alleged) acquisition let’s quickly recap some of the notoriously real estate fickle celeb’s most recent real estate activities.

In 2006 Miz Aniston dropped $13,500,000 for a Hal Leavitt-designed mansion in Beverly Hills then spent five years and many more millions on an extensive overhaul spearheaded by talented star-friendly architect and designer Stephen Shadley. Just as soon as the paint was dry Miz Aniston had a real estate change of heart and flipped the house on the market in early 2011with an oh-no-she-di’int asking price of $42,000,000.

Earlier in the year she’d told the people at People that she’d been on the hunt for a little place in New York so she could spend more time on the east coast. She also explained to the People peeps that she’d woke up in a London hotel room one night in the not so distant past and just at that moment came to the realization her life “felt really cluttered” and decided she needed to “simplify” her life, a process that included selling her big house in Beverly Hills which was “just too much” for the then single actress.

Of course, celebrities sometimes have a funny way of simplifying their lives. 

The Bev Hills house quickly sold the house to an Orange County-based mutual fund magnate in June (2011) for $35,000,000 but not before Miz Aniston had already dropped more than seven million clams on two apartments in a low key but swankety-swank pre-war building in the West Village, one a puny 1-bedroom penthouse wrapped in planted terraces she bought from hairstyling honcho Sally Hershberger and the other a 1-bedroom apartment directly below. If the work has not already been done (or begun) the two adjacent but unconnected apartments will require extensive work to cohesively combine. That doesn’t really sound very simple but then again who are we to know from simple?

Anyoo, it looked then like the long-time L.A. resident did indeed plan to high tail it back to New York City where she grew up and lived until she landed her defining (and exceedingly lucrative) role on Friends. But, not so fast said the little green man in the purple pants. It wasn’t long after Miz Aniston sold her house in Beverly Hills that she and her new New York-based man-beau Justin Theroux—who left his live-in gal pal of 14 years to get with Miz Aniston—settled into unmarried (and leased) bliss in a high-priced love nest in the Bird Street neighborhood high above Los Angeles’ Sunset Strip and it wasn’t long after that bit of bizness hit the property gossip blogs Your Mama began to get wind of  Miz Aniston house hunting in the Platinum Triangle, interested primarily we were told in architecturally significant homes with lots of privacy and seven figure asking prices.

Next up came all the hoo-ha and hullabaloo about Miz Aniston ditching her plans to combine her newly acquired West Village apartments in favor of a much morecontemporary condo crib listed at $8,700,000 and located in same high-brow boo-teek building in Gramercy Park where Chanel’s exceptionally prolific German-born fashion goddess Karl Lagerfeld owns a pied a terre he’s had on and off the market in the last year. Miz Aniston quickly shot down the rumor, admitting she did tour the place but had not made an effort to purchase.

Back on the west coast the rumors of Miz Aniston’s desire for a permanent residence began to heat up and about two weeks ago we heard from Hermione Hightower, a trusted informant who sometimes has very accurate intel on Miz Aniston’s real estate doings, who passed along the scuttlebutt that Miz Aniston was in the process of acquiring a clean-lined A. Quincey Jones contemporary in Bel Air on and off the market since 2008 an last listed with an asking price of $24,900,000.

We (stoopidly) sat on the tip. Naturally we asked around and received some “I hear that too” responses but nothing concrete enough we felt we wanted to move forward with the information. Alas. We snoozed and we losed. Today gossip juggernaut TMZ reported Miz Aniston has indeed snatched up the very same A. Quincey Jones-designed mansion in Bel Air that Hermione Hightower told us the superstar was buying weeks ago.

Another valued source told us earlier today that word on the Platinum Triangle real estate street is that Miz Aniston will pay around $22,000,000 for the approximately 8,500 square foot residence perched on a 3.25(ish) acre promontory high above the Bel Air Country Club.

A uniform grid of trees shade the gated, plaza-like gravel motor court and directly reference the rigorous geometry A. Quincey Jones applied to the architectural elements of the property that include a U-shaped main house with 4 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms plus a separate guest house tucked into a quiet corner of the estate and a brightly colored poolside pavilion with outdoor dining and lounging area with fireplace.

Interior spaces have gleaming honey-colored hardwood floors, vast planes of gallery white walls, long banks of full-height windows and sliding doors, and purposeful pops of bright colors that include a cobalt blue wall that surrounds a courtyard outside the formal dining room, lipstick red fireplace column that separates the front entry from the formal living room, and cobalt blue chimney breast in the master bedroom.

The back of the house opens up balconies and terraces with canyon and city views. A wide lawn stretches back the swimming pool (with spa and poolside pavilion) that sits on a lower terrace between the house and the small hillside vineyard that undulates along the lowest slope of the terraces estate. Certainly she’ll pay someone to grow her grapes, mow the lawns, trim the trees, and skim the pool, but employing a small army of horticulturalists and botanists, a shirtless pool man, and a part time viticulturist doesn’t sound like the simple life to Your Mama but then again….

listing photos: Everett Fenton Gidley for Westside Estate Agency

Brigitte Nielsen Buys Hollywood Hills Fixer Upper

BUYER: Brigitte Nielsen
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $600,000
SIZE: 1,539 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Several months ago we received an unexpected communique from long-time informant Babbling Babette who tattled to Your Mama that platinum-haired model/hacktress/reality star Brigitte Nielsen and her much younger fifth husband Mattia Dessi were house hunting in Sherman Oaks, CA, the spiritual if not geographical heart of Los Angeles’ ur-suburban San Fernando Valley.

We promptly forgot about the matter until a couple weeks ago when Your Mama and The Dr. Cooter went to visit a couple of effervescent (and hard partying) spinsters with whom we’re acquainted. Out of the blue, over multiple shots of Russian vodka at noon, one of our always entertaining hostesses let it slip the six foot tall Danish-born d-list celebrity had recently completed the purchase of a very modest ranch style fixer upper in a little known and not particularly glittery pocket of the Hollywood Hills known as the Hollywood Manor.

Your Mama well realizes many of the children under the age of 35 may not have a clue who Miz Nielsen is but, once upon a time, back in the mid-1980s, she was a punishingly stunning and somewhat androgynous Amazonian model turned budding action flick bad ass (Red Sonja, Rocky IV) who briefly hitched her marriage wagon to Sylvester Stallone (with whom she had dinner at the White House in 1985), had a much-publicized romance with hairy-chested New York Jet Mark Gastineau (which resulted in the production of the second of her four children), and who several times bared her taut and bulbous naughty bits in the glossy pages of Playboy. She was, for a hot minute, the shit. Alas, Miz Nielsen’s showbiz career hit the skids almost as quickly as it began but not before she managed to eek out a sporadic if not entirely unsuccessful music career, mostly in Germany, Austria and Spain.

Alas, the the fickle interests of Hollywood turn on a dime and the intoxicating glamor of fame subsequently evaporates. Like so many washed up entertainment industry types the last 5 or 10 years Miz Nielsen eventually turned to reality television. She’s appeared in a frightfully long list of tawdry reality programs in both the U.S. and Europe, most notably on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (2008) and The Surreal Life (2004) where she met and embarked on a bizarre (and, one hopes, faux) romance with insanely annoying rapper Flavor Flav. In 2008 she had a slew of plastic surgeries taped for and aired on German television and she currently stars on sixth season of Ich bin ein Star—Hold mich hier raus!, the German version of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! It all seems a little depressing to Your Mama but, let’s get real, who are we to judge? We spend out days writing about celebrity real estate for Christ damn sakes.

Anyhoo, after we sobered up from our mid-day hooch-fest with the spinsters we had a poke around the property records which do indeed reveal Miz Nielsen paid an even-steven $600,000 for a rather motley looking two-story house in the Hollywood Hills not so far from Universal Studios. Listing information we dug up off the internets shows the 1,539 square foot house was originally built in 1939 and has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and peek-a-boo mountain views.

A fenced and tree-shaded courtyard with fountain on the street side of the house ensures Miz Nielsen’s neighbors can’t peep in her front windows and leads to wood-floored interiors spaces that include a small “formal” living room with green marble fireplace surround, dining room, sun porch, and a green and white-tiled galley-style kitchen that listing information energetically and generously describes as a “COOKS KITCHEN!”

Many of the house’s rooms open through French doors to the various courtyards, terraces and patios that surround the house. The various and multitudinous outdoor spaces include a narrow, awning-shaded strips of lawn with small pond, tended to but still somewhat unruly looking shrubbery clumps, a wide deck with lattice-screened pergola-shaded lounge area, and terraces beds planted with apple, pear, avocado and peach trees.

Additional amenities (and “amenities’) include an attached 2-car garage with direct access to the house, sky lights and stained glass windows, two fireplaces, central heat and air, and solar panels on the roof that listing information surprisingly specifically indicates will save Miz Nielson “APPROX 25% OFF” her utility bill.

Your Mama has it on very good authority that Miz Nielsen, who reportedly maintains a house in her husband’s native Italy and is sometimes reported to live in Palm Springs, has long leased a house in the Hollywood Manor ‘hood that happens to be all but across the street from the one she just purchased.

Other resident celebrities—or “celebrities” depending on your point of view—of the Hollywood Manor enclave include inestimable helmet haired actress Morgan Fairchild, bespectacled tee-vee carpenter Paul DiMeo (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition) who owns a Spanish casa once owned by Tinseltown cowboy Tom Mix, and pretty brunette actress Erin Daniels from The L Word who is not, as it turns out, a lesbian.

listing photos: Realty Source

Brandon Boyd Double Whammy: Two

BUYER: Brandon Boyd
LOCATION: Venice, CA
PRICE: $2,750,000
SIZE: 2,909 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Earlier today Your Mama discussed the somewhat unconventional Venice, CA residence that Brandon Boyd, much-inked visual artist and comely lead singer of the radio-friendly rock bank Incubus, currently has up for sale with an asking price of $3,195,000. Mister Boyd listed his long-time abode back in August 2011 at a notably higher price ($3,495,000) and although the situation was much covered by many of our celebrity property gossip compatriots Your Mama did not, for reasons we don’t recall, delve in to the matter at that point and time.

Mister Boyd may have yet to sell his quirky (and deluxely done) crib near the beach but it was recently tattled to Your Mama by an informant we’ll call A. Nonny-Mouse that the slim-hipped (and apparently long-haired) singer-artist has already purchased another property, also in Venice.

Making use of very specific information provided by Missus Nonny-Mouse Your Mama was able to confirm the same trust and trustee Mister Boyd used to acquire his house in Venice—purchased from actress Maria Bello in November 2005—now shows up as the new owner of a fully fenced, gated and secured property just a momentary stroll off busy Abbot Kinney Boulevard, the primary arty-farty/hippy-dipy and increasingly upscale commercial heart of the still rough around the edges, left leaning Los Angeles beach community of Venice, a geographical and historic magnet for (among others) political radicals, hippies and hipsters, successful creative types, assorted freaks and geeks, arty-farty showbizzers, and a sizable and very visible homeless population. Resources and documentation available online indicate the lofty-residence in question, somewhat smaller that Mister Boyd’s commercial conversion just over a mile to the north and west, went for $2,750,000.

Listing information Your Mama teased up out of the interweb shows the 3 bedroom and 3 bathroom residence measures 2,909 square feet, a figure that may or may not include an office space above the detached 2-car garage. The house was custom designed and built in 2007 “by a prominent interior designer.” Said designer turns out to also be the seller who property records reveal as Amy (Devault) Acuna and her fashion designer/wardrobe stylist huzband René Acuna who acquired the property in the final days of 2002 for $573,000.

A gated walkway shoots up the side of the property and house to a brick-lined inset entryway where a black steel-framed commercial-style glass door swings open to a proper and intimately-scaled entrance hall with radiant heated polished concrete floor and full wall bathed in a high-glam, white silhouetted silvery wallpaper that we like because it’s shiny and we like shiny things but also worry its well past its Warholian 15 minutes. The cozy-compact foyer explodes into the voluminous main living space with staggering 30-foot high exposed wood bow truss ceiling, bleached wide-plank wood floors (unnecessarily) laid at a 45-degree angle, a wood-burning fireplace, vast expanses of white walls for bouncing light and displaying artwork, and a pair of french doors with custom hand-forged hardware that open to a decked, fenced and high-hedged courtyard where a cushioned built-in bench hugs a tire-shaped concrete fire pit.

The kitchen, tucked under the stairs and open to the dining area of the main living space, seems a wee bit wee maybe for a 3,000 square foot loft-style residence but is generously equipped with a chunky white marble-topped center work island with snack counter, ebony flat-fronted cabinets with thickly veined black marble counter top, high-grade stainless steel appliances, and an awkward built-in buffet with plenty of space for cook books as if anyone actually uses cook books anymore. We tease. A butler’s pantry with under-counter wine fridge connects the kitchen to the foyer and a bathroom facility that may be uncomfortably close to where food is prepared and served for Your Mama’s preference but does offer dinner and drinks guests a relatively private place to do their dirty business.

An open stair leads up to a loft/den with grey-brown hardwood floors underfoot—notably different that the bleached stuff on the floor in the living room below—a built-in entertainment/storage cabinet at one end and a built-in desk and book shelves on the other.

A double-wide wood door in the loft/den slides back on sleek barn-inspired hardware to a wide corridor and master suite. A bedroom-sized walk-in closet with custom built ins and spa-like earth tone bathroom with separate soaking tub and over-sized shower flank the broad corridor that connects to the wide (if somewhat narrow looking) bedroom outfitted with wood beamed ceiling, gigantic concrete wood burning fireplace, and an extra wide sliding glass door that join to a small private balcony.

A grassy patch runs up the side of the house to a professionally landscaped postage stamp-scaled courtyard that separates the main house from the aforementioned alley-facing detached 2-car garage with office space above. A small deck between the two buildings marks the outdoor shower area that is, as best as we can surmise, totally open to the rest of the small but usable backyard area. Now listen, hunties, no one loves an outdoor shower in the cool evening of summer time more than Your Mama but, have mercy puppies, there does not seem to be a shred of privacy for the showeree here, just a too visible corner of the yard where people can just stand and around gape and guffaw while you inelegantly try to wash beach sand out the crack of yer damn ass.

Anyhoo, in addition to the 2-car garage there are four more off-street parking spaces (one of which doubles as a fenced dog run). Now children, we realize some of y’all are gonna gripe about the gangs in Venice and how it’s little more than an expensive and glorified ghetto but regardless of what one may think of the admittedly sometimes less than savory shenanigans that go on in Venice it’s impossible not to take not of the rare and valuable luxury six off-street parking spaces is in a tightly packed and parking challenged community where some of the otherwise often liberally-minded homeowners and residents literally fight with the essentially homeless (and not always respectfully hygienic) occupants of the scads of campers and RVs that sometimes dot and line the narrow streets of Venice.

Your Mama, who does not know a balloon from an artificial hip about Mister Boyd’s actual plans as regards to his new digs, would bet both our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly the office space above the garage will wind up converted into a music/art studio where thirty-something year old Mister Boyd can brandish his paint brushes, blow his didgeridoo and sing his pretty heart out.

Whatever Mister Boyd does to customize his new house and whatever real estate and home day-core traditionalists might think of his idiosyncratic (but hardly avant garde) decorative ways, Your Mama fully expects the end result will be thoroughly infused with his well-honed personal style that exudes an authentic-seeming (if inescapably curated) modern day bohemian point of view.

listing photos: Abbot Kinney Real Estate

Brandon Boyd Double Whammy: One

SELLER: Brandon Boyd
LOCATION: Venice, CA
PRICE: $3,195,000
SIZE: 3,500 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Brandon Boyd—writer, artist and plaintively-voiced front man for mainstream rock band Incubus—may hail from the archetypal-suburban streets of Calabasas, CA but he’s long made his home in the nitty gritty beach community of Venice (CA) where in August 2011 he put his arty-farty if prohibitively pricey for most artists residence on the market with an optimistic $3,495,000 price tag. In early December, a few months after he dropped almost three million bucks to snatch up another house in Venice—more on that later—the rather becoming, sinewy slender and fearlessly tattooed Mister Boyd dropped the asking price of his boho beach side bedsit to it’s current figure of $3,195,000.

Listing information indicates the once-commercial two-story structure was built in 1905 and used as a hotel “sometime in the 1940s.” Your Mama was told or read somewhere—we can’t recall which—the building once operated as a bordello but we aren’t able to verify the veracity of such so we don’t recommend the children spread that bit about without a caveat. Anyhoo, property records and previous reports on the matter reveal Mister Boyd’s abode—situated a short block from the beach and, by Your Mama’s assessment, desirably unconventional—was briefly owned by two-time Golden Globe nominated actress Maria Bello (Prime Suspect, ER, A History of Violence, The Cooler) who owned the unorthodox domicile for only 13 months (or so) and sold it in November 2005 at a near quarter-million dollar profit to Mister Boyd for $2,715,000.

The exterior of the mint green structure belies little of the bohemian luxury inside the fully-renovated and upgraded concrete- and cork-floored crib that feature 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, airy 12-foot high pressed tin ceilings with articulated moldings, earthquake-retrofitted exposed brick walls and low-key but high-brow kitchen and bathrooms that resonate of a quasi-industrial upscale Parisian garret, if there is such a thing as a quasi-industrial upscale Parisian garret.

The residence sits hard up on the street with nary an inch of buffer between the sidewalk and the front door opens that directly into the spacious main living space. Mister Boyd (or his nice, gay or lady decorator) wisely installed some sort of curved screen between the front door and the base of the staircase. Not only does the ancient art of Feng Shui require such an interjection to keep the money from flowing right down the stairs and out the front door, it adds a much needed smidgen of visual concealment from anyone who may be walking along the street when the front door is opened.

The “formal” living room, not surprising littered with musical instruments and chock-a-block with art and other objects that ooze with Mister Boyd’s personal interests and fascinations, may suffer from a lack of clear glass windows—glass block was used on the exterior wall to maintain privacy but still bring natural light in to the room—but does benefits from a full wall of built in bookshelves filled with actual books and other ephemera that may or may not include some avian taxidermy. A clean-lined, custom-built floating steel staircase with chunky wood treads provides the necessary tension between the vintage nature of the original architecture and the kick-up your feet casual (if costly) and animal skin-draped day-core.

A towering pair of solid wood raised panel doors connect the living room to the ample, open plan combination dining room and kitchen kitted out in High Urban Loft style with simple, white Shaker-style cabinetry and commercial stainless steel appliances that include a restaurant-grade sink, super-size range with separate griddle, and a $10,000 glass-fronted Sub-Zero fridge/freezer that makes Your Mama sweat and swoon with unrequited appliance lust. Several sets of French doors connect to a narrow ground level courtyard tiled with Mexican pavers, hung with a myriad of cheap capiz shell chandeliers and furnished with a variety of wired things that include a vibrant, sunshine yellow cafe table and chairs.

Reclaimed warehouse-type windows line portions the upper level landing where the cork floors extend into the street-facing master suite complete with oddly off-center fireplace, exposed brick walls and pressed tin ceiling. Mister Boyd’s boo-dwar offers the style maven a boo-teek sized and naturally-lit closet/dressing room and a beauteous bathroom designed by “a famous local architect” according to listing information and finished with well-worn antique herringbone wood floors—like one might find in a quasi-industrial upscale Parisian garret—white subway tiles smartly grouted in a contrasting grey, twin sinks atop a Jean Prouvé-inspired base, and a fireplace with tile surround adjacent to a free-standing soaking tub set into a greenhouse-like nook with steel-framed frosted glass wall and ceiling.

Listing photographs show Mister Boyd used a large, sky-lit space at the upper rear of the residence as a den/office area and a separate detached addition at the back of the property encompasses a two-car garage that opens to an alleyway and a 640 square foot sound-proofed music studio/guest quarters wrapped in theatrical red curtains and conveniently equipped with a kitchenette.

An unadorned exterior staircase, the sort of thing one might expect to find tucked into an unseen section of an office building or civic structure, climbs up to a wood-decked roof top terrace with an elevated, pergola-shaded shelter perfect for lounging, napping and—for those so inclined—getting frisky outdoors. Tall corrugated metal fencing along the sides may look a bit harsh to those who prefer more traditionally residential materials—we happen to l.o.v.e. the utilitarian nature of the humble and undulating material—but does ensure privacy for anyone who might like to soak up the sun and/or have an open air lunch snack and beverage in their birthday suits. Listing information indicates the roof deck is plumbed for a spa—a feature that pleases our mate The Dr. Cooter to no end—and there’s a peek-a-boo view of the glimmering Pacific Ocean over the urban chaos of the surrounding roof tops and telephone wires.

We’re not sure why Mister Boyd would want to vacate this obviously much-treasured residence in Venice for another, slightly smaller (and much more polished) loft-like residence in Venice located just over a mile away, significantly farther from the beach and much closer to the busy Abbot Kinney shopping and dining district. But, if we’ve said it once we’ve said it 78 times too many, such are the sometimes inexplicable and frequently capricious real estate ways of the rich and famous.

listing photos: Abbot Kinney Real Estate

The HGTV 2012 Dream Home is ready…for a winner

The 16th annual HGTV Dream Home is located on the banks of the Provo River near Park City, Utah. It’s a modern, rustic ranch home with almost 4,000 square feet of space, including four bedrooms and four and a half bathrooms.

Read more on The HGTV 2012 Dream Home is ready…for a winner…

Kobe Bryant Loses Three Mansions in Divorce

In 2003 L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant was accused of assaulting a 19-year old woman in a Colorado hotel room. Mister Bryant denied the charges and claimed the sexual relations were consensual. The salacious charges were dropped a year later after the woman declined to move forward with a trial but not before the professional dribbler apologized to his wife for his sexual indiscretion with a $4,000,000 eight-carat purple diamond ring. His impending divorce, however, will cost the well-compensated shooting forward and 5-time NBA champion far more than a four million dollar finger sparkler.

All the celebrity-based blogs and sports-oriented websites are abuzz today with the news that Bryant’s soon-to-be ex-wife Vanessa will receive all three of the couple’s luxurious Orange County cribs as part of her reported (and alleged) $75,000,000 divorce settlement.

Your Mama, as we are sometimes want to do, did a little digging around in the property records and determined that Mister and soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant together owned a total three mansions of varying values, all within 5 minute drive of each other, nestled into upscale Newport Coast area in the mountains above the Pacific Ocean just below the hoity-toity beach community of Newport Beach.

The self-dubbed Black Mamba and his then teenage bride bought his first house near Newport Beach (shown above) in October 2001, according to property records, for $1,700,000. The Orange County Tax Man shows the gated, U-shaped two-story mansion, tucked into the tail end of a tiny cul-de-sac in a gated Pelican Ridge development. Records show the house was completed in 1997, sits a .47 acre hillside parcel with roof top and mountain views, measures around 6,500 square feet, and contains a total of 6 bedrooms. The palm tree-dotted back yard wraps around two sides of the house and includes various entertainment terraces, built-in barbecue center, small but lush lawns, and free-form swimming pool and spa.

Documents Your Mama had a long look at online show the property was transferred from Mister Bryant into soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant’s name in early January 2012.

In July 2003, the couple spent $2,650,000 to purchase another, smaller but still large home two short blocks away in the same upscale gated enclave of Pelican Ridge. Records indicate the house is slammed on to a tight .29 acre plot and a recent report in the New York Post indicates it’s occupied by soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant’s momma.

Documents available online show this house was also transferred into soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant’s sole ownership on the very same day in early January (2012) as the above mentioned abode.

In June 2008, Mister and Missus Bryant purchased, through a trust, a not-yet completed mansion just 1.5 miles away in the much ritzier (and, natch, guard-gated) Pelican Crest planned development. Records show the house, listed at $10,900,000, was snatched up for $9,540,000.

Listing information from the the time of the sale that Your Mama managed to tease up out of the interweb shows the then (and still) under construction 4-floor ocean view mansion was designed with more than 14,000 square feet of “Santa Barbara style living” that includes and elevator, 6 bedrooms, 9 full and 3 half bathrooms, subterranean parking for six luxury whips, a basement level with media, game, wine and music rooms plus and office and staff suite, and a sub-basement level with exercise room, sauna and steam facilities, and a game court.

It’s not clear to Your Mama if Mister and soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant made any alterations to the plans for the Richard Krantz-designed domicile but a February 2011 article in the Orange County Register revealed that the home was then still under construction with a myriad of permits filed for various revisions.

Once again, online documents we perused show soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant became the sole owner of this property on the same day in early January (2012) as did the other to previously mention properties.

What soon-to-be ex-Missus Bryant would want her trio of large and high-maintenance mansions and what she plans to do with them is, at this point, a mystery. However it certainly would not surprise Your Mama in the slightest if she eventually sold all three and moved her, her momma and kids into another pricey and posh pad in the area because, well, that’s how the rich and famous often roll.

aerial photos (top and middle): Google
aerial and exterior photos (bottom): Orange County Register

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